Top 10 modern Christmas cracker jokes revealed

Take That, Luis Suarez and David Cameron feature in festive gags

Christmas Cracker winner

Have you heard the one about... Joke about Take That takes top spot

A pun about Take That missing the 'Orange' from their stocking this year has topped a list of the funniest modern festive jokes, with a fifth of people voting it to be their favourite. The top ten list also includes jokes about Bono, David Cameron, the royal family and UKIP, as revealed by a competition to find the best new Christmas cracker jokes. Just missing out on the top spots were witticisms about naked 'elfies', Tinder, and Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow.

We challenged comedians and amateur wits to once again write their own modern festive funnies after the results of a poll last year inspired Gold's first Christmas cracker joke competition, when it was revealed that 72% of the nation believe that cracker jokes are outdated and 70% were left groaning rather than giggling as they shared their cracker jokes on the big day.

The top ten funniest festive jokes for 2014 are:

  1. What will be missing from Take That's Christmas stocking this year? An Orange. (By @newtlyn6)
  2. How does Luis Suarez like his Christmas dinner? Bite-sized. (By @jmj92)
  3. What do the royal family play at Christmas instead of musical chairs? Game of Thrones. (By @ndyflood)
  4. What did the Snowman say to the aggressive carrot? 'Get out of my face.' (By @MKNA)
  5. Why is Christmas a busy time for David Cameron? He's got two parties to organise. (By @scousescribbler)
  6. What's the difference between Bono and Santa? Santa gives you things you want. (By @richie_bob)
  7. Why won't Santa visit Nigel Farage? Because he only comes if you sleep, not if UKIP. (By @Judgement_Dave)
  8. Why are snowmen rubbish at cricket? They're always bowling snow-balls. (By @misterpoetry)
  9. I got a UKIP advent calendar. It's rubbish, all the doors keep slamming shut. (By @MartinMorComedy)
  10. Why is The Great British Bake Off like the nativity? Because the Star is in the Yeast. (By @Sophie_A_Fox)

The witticisms that just missed out on the top spots include:

  • Why were Santa's helpers in hiding this year? Their naked Elfies were leaked.
  • Why won't Santa leave Chris and Gwyneth with his reindeer and sleigh? In case they consciously uncouple.
  • Why does Santa put chimneys on Tinder? Because he wants them to be swept right.
  • What girl band sells the cheapest variety of Christmas food? Lidl Mix.

Jokes were entered by the public via Twitter and a panel of Gold judges led by comedy expert Bruce Dessau went on to shortlist the best jokes, which were then voted on by 2000 British adults. The top jokes are included in bespoke boxes of Gold crackers presented to this year's winners.

Gold launched the annual joke competition once again as we aim to help everyone laugh throughout the festive season with our 25 days of Christmas schedule, including best-loved comedies such as Blackadder, Outnumbered and Only Fools and Horses.

Comedy critic Bruce Dessau, who headed up the Gold judging panel says: "This year's top ten confirmed what I always suspected - that there are comedians everywhere. The entrants came up with quips that were cheeky, smart and snappy, the perfect combination for the perfect Christmas cracker joke. It was good to see lots of topical humour in there too, with Luis Suarez, Nigel Farage and The Great British Bake Off featuring prominently. And with this year's winner, Take That can now add yet another number one hit to their CV!"

The author of the winning joke, Lynne Newton, received £1,500 towards a holiday and a box of Gold Crackers, one of which will contain her own joke. Lynne says: "I am so delighted to have my joke chosen as the winner and can't wait to see it in a Christmas cracker this year - I tried to think of a joke for which all age groups would enjoy the punch line, I hope it gets a great reaction from all who see it! My husband is 50 at the end of the year, so I'm planning to use the prize to surprise him with a holiday."

All of the jokes voted on by the 2,000 British men and women are original content to the best of Gold's knowledge.