Bob's Best Jokes

To celebrate the new and exclusive Bob Monkhouse: The Million Joke Man coming to Gold, here are some of the much-loved comedian’s best rib-ticklers from his six decade career.

Bob's Best Gags
  • "We were so poor mother had to sleep with a rag and bone man so we could have balloons for Christmas."

  • "Everybody laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now."

  • "I still enjoy sex at 68. Well I live at number 66 it's no distance."

  • "The farmer next door came out and said 'I'd like you to meet my wife and sister.' And there was just the one woman standing there."

  • "They say marriage is a great institution. So is Dartmoor and Broadmoor."

  • "I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my father. Not screaming and terrified like his passengers."

  • "I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights."

  • "A tomcat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilots ribs and demanded: 'take me to the canaries.'"

  • "The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time."

  • "My wife said: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'."

  • "I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!"

  • "What do gardeners do when they retire?"

  • "My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo."

  • "Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money."

  • "last week my wife served me something for dinner that was so foul I gave it to the dog, and he licked his arse to get the taste out of his mouth."

  • Referencing a Lakeside venue: "This place has style. You want bread; a bread waiter comes over to your table and gives you bread. A water waiter comes over and gives you water. A head waiter comes over and gives you the perfect service."

Bob Monkhouse: The Million Joke Man starts Wednesday June 3 at 9pm, exclusive to Gold